SECRET//SPECIAL ACCESS REQUIRED-SCREAMER//SPECIAL ACCESS REQUIRED-NERV//REL TO CAN,GER,JP
From: Dr. Susan Calvin, Chief of Psychology, Project Malebranche; [TS//NOFORN//SAR-S]
To: [TS//NOFORN//SAR-NERV//SAR-TRS], Director of Operations, NERV Luna; [TS//[TS//NOFORN]]
Cc: [elided for space]
Subject: 253-L is not fit to hold a stick unconstrained (yes, I’m bringing this up again)
Date: 6/6/2016, 309 UTC
I know you’re going to put this under all those damned classification criteria so that nobody but you will ever read it, so fine, you can not read it again. 253-L would be useful if we put him in a box for several decades and studied all the interesting ways in which we’ve broken his psyche, but that’s it. Certainly not for this Project E. Yes, I do know a thing or two about it, and how “cartoony” it’s not. My colleagues in astrobiology are so excitable. The point is, despite all that classification, I’m reasonably sure that you and NERV have other plans to “gather” subjects; even if you didn’t, kidnapping Japanese schoolgirls and using them would probably do more good for you than 253-L will.
I’ve already sent you his final psychological evaluation, but all those acronyms seem to have made no impression on you, so I’m trying something which might have more emotional impact: His journals. As I mentioned in the report, 253-L (and several of his brethren) developed a habit of writing down his thoughts in his own invented language during simulation runs. Translating them has been an arduous but fruitful project. Here are some excerpts; the footnotes and punctuation are my insertion, as the shorthand has neither.
(In case anybody but [TS//NOFORN//SAR-NERV//SAR-TRS] is reading this - e.g., someone who might care about scientific progress - look for my department’s upcoming papers, especially “The evolution and purpose of self-directed languages”, and “Psychosocial development of subjects in simulated environments” [contents classified, TS//SAR-S], “When deprogramming success means failure”.)
Restarted: 377.1)
Pilot 3 stopped me at the victory ceremony and asked why I wasn’t smiling. I said, “Because in a few seconds you’ll disappear, and I’ll be back at the beginning. It2) paused, as did the world, and then it said “Matt,3) you’re so smart. You’ll save us all, you know.” before the restart.4) What was that? Who was that?
Operations Director (OD) fought in a war, does not smile. Commander and subcommander are aloof as usual, further observation not needed. Pilot 0 was a civilian before starting training one year ago, is personable and confident, will die in 5-7 combats after emotional connection is presumed to be established. Pilot 1 has been training since young age, stutters/displays other psychological abnormalities, but scored very highly in simulations. I am Pilot 2. Possible romantic issues. In this simulation I am starting “late”. Two angels have already been destroyed, primarily by Pilot 0. This matches simulations 49, 137, 222. Still unsure of the purpose of this.
(…)
Pilot 1 asked me to attend a film with it, “The Battle of Algiers”. This demonstrated its social incompetence, again. Do They5) expect me to be so bad at social cues by this point that I need more help? I don’t understand how they could not understand my level of ability by now. Are They incompetent themselves? Evidence that They are not human6) grows. I will not try romantic entanglement again. I suggested that it was sublimating its romantic desire for Pilot 0. This is untrue, but convenient. It grew confused and left. I watched the rest of the movie. I wonder why They don’t want to train me for that sort of combat. Maybe my knowing it would be dangerous to Them. Maybe humans have been destroyed, or it’s been otherwise rendered useless.
(…)
After combat, Doctor 3 again suggested medication to prevent combat disability.7) This time I consented. I will add it to Pilot 0’s food when I can, to observe.
(…)
Why are you doing this to me? What are you? I know you’ll be able to read this eventually. If you can read. You must be able to read, or you couldn’t simulate people. Or you could have stolen the simulation. Why don’t you tell me why I’m here? Have I done something wrong? You can erase my memory.8) Am I a prisoner?
(…)
Restarted: 378.
Pilot 0’s vehicle9) was infiltrated. Crying during combat did not satiate Pilot 1, who killed me in rage after I killed Pilot 0. I will have to resist orders more for that, apparently. OD is an ex-psychologist who enjoys some specific culture (…)
Please leave me alone. Please, you were dead.
(…)
Refusing to move resulted in capture and intravaneous feeding by staff. At that point I resumed motion, and Doctor 2 was able to explain this away somehow. That didn’t work.10)
(…)
Restarted: 379.
Stopped moving during the last combat. The OD yelled at me as normal. They’re all the same underneath. Between runs I felt pain. I don’t think They like me to stop moving. I won’t again without good reason.
(…)
Some sort of cultist tried to kidnap me. It said phrases that made my head hurt. Did it know me? I took a kitchen knife from the table. It backed off, misjudging my intention. I don’t know why. It could have won a fight with me. I started making cuts in my skin, and asked if I felt pain the same way it did. It didn’t say anything coherent before security took it away a few minutes after.
(…)
I’m tired.
(…)
The thirteenth combat is usually where somebody dies, so I faked an order to let me deploy with an N2 device. They hadn’t changed the security codes since the last run. They didn’t mind that I’d been ordered not to fight any more. Why is security this bad? They must have wanted me to. I blew it up. I didn’t want Pilot 3 to die. I don’t know why. It destroyed my vehicle. It destroyed my left leg. It destroyed my left arm. It destroyed part of my torso. It destroyed part of my head. I didn’t know I could survive this. I didn’t know I could feel this. It hurts. We’re not done. It will keep hurting. Pilot 3 is dead. I’ve been “court-martialed”. I don’t know what that means. It hurts.
(…)
Pilot 2 asked me why I wasn’t smiling. I said that no matter what I did, it would die. It said I was pessimistic. It died. It died. Pilot 1 asked me why I was smiling. I said “because everything dies”. It was scared. Pilot 2 asked me why I fought Angels. I said “because They want me to”. It said I shouldn’t let Them rule me. I said “then stop”. It said it didn’t understand. It died. Pilot 3 asked me how I stayed sane. I told it it died. It died.